You can’t always get what you want. But if you try, you just might find, you get what you need.

Mick Jagger and Keith Richards penned this keen observation in 1969. While I do not know this for sure, “The Story I Make Up in My Head”* is that they were trippin’ on something when they wrote it and it sounded pretty cool–groovy, if you will. Who knows? Maybe they were, maybe they weren’t smoking a doobie or dropping some Orange Sunshine,  but either way, this catchy little hook is quite profound. (Much of rock n roll was, kids.) “You Can’t Always Get What You Want” has been voted Number 100 on Billboard’s “Most Important Songs” of all time.

I just hate it when I do not get what I want. I am not into trying to figure out “what I just might find out,” if I tried. I want what I want, when I want it. Because you know, I know exactly what I need.

I have spent a lifetime making sure that I got what I wanted. And what I wanted was a family of my very own, financial stability, meaningful work, good friends, and maybe just a few “pretty shiny things.” And, oh, how I loved my life. My family meant everything to me. I had overcome the odds. Made a life that was very different than the one I knew as a child. My children were not going to experience a “broken home” as I had. They were not going to have to start life behind the eight ball–they were going to get all those tools that I did not get. I managed to stay in love with my husband of thirty years, and even though it was a far from perfect marriage, it was good. I willed it all to happen. I was so proud. I was getting what I wanted, and what I needed. Screw you, Rolling Stones.

This worked really well for me, until it just didn’t anymore. Until the world came crashing down. Until I just couldn’t muster the strength to keep pushing that bolder up the hill. Until my marriage ended. Until I wanted to die rather than keep on going.

In order to survive, I had to let my dream go. And it was fight until the end. Because you see, I knew exactly what I needed.

So, I guess I didn’t know. Or, maybe shit just happens, and we can either choose to learn from it, or let it make us miserable and bitter. I have chosen to keep my heart open rather than let it close down, chosen to love, instead of hate. It is hard sometimes, and I pray a lot for bravery to keep me in this place of vulnerability. But, hey, be very careful about what you pray or wish for, right?

Believe it or not, on-line dating has been an important tool in practicing my so-called “new way of living.” Anyone who signs up on-line is, in essence, making himself or herself vulnerable. I applaud my fellow brothers and sisters! Even the creepy ones. I learn from them, too.

I have met many more nice guys than not-so-nice guys. I have had some interesting conversations. I have talked to some fascinating people. I have rediscovered the fun of flirting. I am having some fun.

I have even had my heart broken a little bit. It wasn’t so bad. At least I was willing to stick my toe back into the water and see what it felt like to experience the thrill of being attractive and attracted to someone. I am grateful for this person who came into my life, even if it was ever so brief. He helped me to find the courage to kick open a door in my heart that was not just closed, but on lockdown . Some healing happened. And man, was it fun.

Wonders of wonders, I think I may have found that I am getting what I need.

Georgia and friends jumping in Iceland

*Shout out to my Shades Babes

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