Mick Jagger and Keith Richards penned this keen observation in 1969. While I do not know this for sure, “The Story I Make Up in My Head”* is that they were trippin’ on something when they wrote it and it sounded pretty cool–groovy, if you will. Who knows? Maybe they were, maybe they weren’t smoking a doobie or dropping some Orange Sunshine, but either way, this catchy little hook is quite profound. (Much of rock n roll was, kids.) “You Can’t Always Get What You Want” has been voted Number 100 on Billboard’s “Most Important Songs” of all time.
I just hate it when I do not get what I want. I am not into trying to figure out “what I just might find out,” if I tried. I want what I want, when I want it. Because you know, I know exactly what I need.
I have spent a lifetime making sure that I got what I wanted. And what I wanted was a family of my very own, financial stability, meaningful work, good friends, and maybe just a few “pretty shiny things.” And, oh, how I loved my life. My family meant everything to me. I had overcome the odds. Made a life that was very different than the one I knew as a child. My children were not going to experience a “broken home” as I had. They were not going to have to start life behind the eight ball–they were going to get all those tools that I did not get. I managed to stay in love with my husband of thirty years, and even though it was a far from perfect marriage, it was good. I willed it all to happen. I was so proud. I was getting what I wanted, and what I needed. Screw you, Rolling Stones.
This worked really well for me, until it just didn’t anymore. Until the world came crashing down. Until I just couldn’t muster the strength to keep pushing that bolder up the hill. Until my marriage ended. Until I wanted to die rather than keep on going.
In order to survive, I had to let my dream go. And it was fight until the end. Because you see, I knew exactly what I needed.
So, I guess I didn’t know. Or, maybe shit just happens, and we can either choose to learn from it, or let it make us miserable and bitter. I have chosen to keep my heart open rather than let it close down, chosen to love, instead of hate. It is hard sometimes, and I pray a lot for bravery to keep me in this place of vulnerability. But, hey, be very careful about what you pray or wish for, right?
Believe it or not, on-line dating has been an important tool in practicing my so-called “new way of living.” Anyone who signs up on-line is, in essence, making himself or herself vulnerable. I applaud my fellow brothers and sisters! Even the creepy ones. I learn from them, too.
I have met many more nice guys than not-so-nice guys. I have had some interesting conversations. I have talked to some fascinating people. I have rediscovered the fun of flirting. I am having some fun.
I have even had my heart broken a little bit. It wasn’t so bad. At least I was willing to stick my toe back into the water and see what it felt like to experience the thrill of being attractive and attracted to someone. I am grateful for this person who came into my life, even if it was ever so brief. He helped me to find the courage to kick open a door in my heart that was not just closed, but on lockdown . Some healing happened. And man, was it fun.
Wonders of wonders, I think I may have found that I am getting what I need.
*Shout out to my Shades Babes